A bully, self sabotaging and her own worst enemy - the pursuit of self approval

Many of you who follow her online have seen highs and lows and even posts that may seem open and confronting but behind every single photo/video were many that didn't make the cut for pure vanity reasons. Her nose looked funny in that angle, that pimple can be seen, her skin looked blemished, she looked fat, her hair is so frizzy and the list goes on.

Who is this girl!? She positions herself as fit and curvy preaching a healthy lifestyle but is she really either, she is proud of her curves, states that she is fit but truth is she stares in the mirror and critiques her physique, grabs her belly fat and curses as its stubbornness, binges, forever trying to get stronger, leaner, more aesthetic, athletic and verbally abuses her body YET she continually forgets that it hears everything she says.

"But I'm a bikini competitor" she says, "I'm meant to be visually critiqued, I need to put myself down so that I can motivate myself to improve those weak areas. How else will I beat that other girl on stage! She has better hamstrings than me, she's genetically leaner and has no idea what fat loss struggle is, the judges already favour her, her posing is so on point and I still have work to do, urghhh so much work to do, my abs just take so long to get lean and her abs look so good! I have PCOS it's so much harder for me, it's so not fair I have to deal with this and look at her, she's not even competing and she looks great, how did she do it, is she happy with her body?! Is anyone happy! Are we all on this pursuit for self worth?"

Then she STOPS.
She stops TALKING, THINKING, OBSERVING and COMPARING.

Everything she did she realised she was continually assessing two mediums. The state she is CURRENTLY in and the state she wanted TO BE but never thought of the state she WAS and where she is NOW. She was forgetting that the more she kept reaching her optimal aesthetic state her view of perfection evolved and it didn't evolve into bigger goals, but it evolved into harsher criticisms.
In September 2014, after having done two shows (June 2013 and May 2014) she put a halt on her visions of becoming a bikini competitor.

Something is not right.

She was pursuing self destructive achievements.
She became worse as the days passed.
She was a true bully, her poor body was attacked daily. Not a single compliment would be heard.
She developed a negative association with food and it become the main source to fuel her self destructive thoughts.

She put on weight rapidly and blamed her PCOS for being the main contributor.
Was this what she truly wanted? From an elite basketballer to a well known bikini competitor in Dubai who was only in an abusive relationship with her thoughts.
All her positivity was somewhat clouded. 'Why am I not praising myself enough? Every negative comment I believed'.

She started to question current practices and believed that there was more to preparing for shows then strict meal plans and workouts. She started to realise that the positioning of the marketed fitness industry promoting calorie in vs calorie out as the solution for weight loss was a BIG FAT LIE, that this actually created eating disorders, negative self-talk and sabotaging behaviours.

So she began to research.

Research GUT HEALTH.
Research HORMONAL RESPONSE.
Research METABOLIC EFFECT.
Research TOXINS.
Research RELATIONSHIPS.
Research STRESS/CORTISOL.
Research CONSUMER BEHAVIOUR.

At that point she was so perplexed at how there were SO MANY different variables in being HEALTHY. Yes that's right, healthy! After all, it is the health and fitness industry yet nothing that she was doing resulted in being fit or healthy.

"My health, my problem is my OVERALL health!

My digestion is poor, I'm always bloated, my skin was not as vibrant, my hair was brittle, my confidence was at all time low, I was anxious and my overall state of mind was not positive"

Ultimately her FOUNDATIONS of her mental and physical health were not solid, she had so many underlying issues that she didn't know where to start and living in Dubai alone made here quite nervous as she felt she created many of these issues trying to pursue something that wasn't achievable.

...

This is when I turned to HOLISTIC HEALTH and FUNCTIONAL MEDICINE.

Non of that 12 week transformation rubbish when all you get it is a meal plan and training schedule with a big fat deadline.

Nope, no more deadlines, my health is a lifelong priority I knew I had to make.

In October 2014 I hired a holistic health coach, Luke McNally, who was also a bodybuilder and prepped athletes for shows. Perfect I thought! After many assessments, blood reports, IGg tests and in depth conversations, for once in my life I felt I was heading in the right direction.
After feedback from all the reports Luke highlighted that I needed to fix my foundations, in particularly my gut health before we move into physique formation.

Silently frustrated thinking 'oh man how long with that take!' I want results! And then I remembered why I hired him in the first place, it was my health that needed the most attention.
Luke's unique perspective on all facets of life, made such a huge difference in not only achieving my health goals but restored the belief that I could. Believing that I wasn't a prisoner of PCOS.

Luke may not remember saying this to me but it will forever stay dear to my heart, it was said to me at one of the most vulnerable times battling PCOS and I hope that it too will be embedded positively in your mind.

WHERE YOUR HEALTH GOES, YOUR PHYSIQUE WILL FOLLOW.

Here I am writing this, two weeks after my show where I placed top 5 in both my categories! I've never placed at this show before so this was a massive achievement for me. It was a whole 9 months after I hired Luke and you can see how healthy and happy I look, a true indicator of how looking after my health became evident in my physique.

This is slightly embarrassing for me to post but I remember that feeling when I took that before picture, it was an empty dark place, one that I'm sure many can relate to. 

What you see is a physical transformation but but what I notice is the smile.

I competed only after my health was restored, I gave myself no deadline, I was in no rush to compete, there was no metabolic damage, no exhaustion, no excessive cardio, rarely do I bloat, PCOS symptoms under control, no unhealthy relationship with food, full of energy, happy, healthy, fit and of course still curvy!

If you would like to hear more information on how my coach tackled this, then click the link and watch the video.

We all go through the struggle, I found my saviour and if you can relate after reading this I no doubt believe you will find yours too. All I ask is that you broaden your perspective on what is truly needed to achieve your health goals.

Yours truly, 

From she who can't stop smiling!

x

Dealing with PCOS: Bloating, water retention, insulin resistance, anxiety

Sometimes I get super sensitive writing posts about PCOS because it can be a lonely place and it reminds me of my condition.

It's a known fact that Dubai has the highest rate of PCOS ever recorded so I write this in the hope that someone is reading it and knows that they aren't alone, that they are actually in the majority not the minority.

Everyone has different symptoms and everyone has different levels of the condition. I wrote another post which you can read here that talks about food as my medicine which I continue to preach. 
Today's blog is dedicated to a couple of my instagram followers who have asked regarding different things I do or what I incorporate into my life to help manage PCOS and get better fitness results.

Below are 3 things I want to highlight that have made a huge difference. 


SUPPLEMENTS

Please note that the below supplements have been professionally advised by my coach, Luke Mass McNally, can't thank him enough!

Acetyl L-Carnitine (ACL) - I have this every morning which helps with brain function and also manages my sugar levels. Most of the cells in your body contain carnitine, which your liver and kidneys make. It helps your cells produce energy and also can help the body use insulin more effectively. Given a PCOS sufferer is prone to insulin resistance, thus making it tougher for us to lose weight, this really helps!

P5P - This wonderful supplement has made HUGE difference to my water retention. P5P is the active co-enzyme form of B6. If you have ever been to a gynecologist and mentioned you have water retention they will put you on B6 but take my advice and switch it to P5P! 

Your body requires this supplement for various functions including muscle growth and repair, neurotransmitter functions and energy metabolism. It also helps balance your sodium and potassium levels - tada! water retention reduced.

DIM - This supplement has been buzzing a lot in the fitness industry and unfortunately not sourced in Dubai, well I haven't found it yet so have shipped it from overseas.
DIM is a food based compound found in cruciferous vegetables like broccolli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and broccoli. DIM can also stimulate fat breakdown and encourage an increase in muscle mass - ultimately modulates estrogen metabolism. This balancing of my hormones has also reduced my PMS symptoms.

INFRARED SAUNA

Now this is new to me too. My coach started to incorporate this into my diet and there were only a few places in Dubai that had it. I go to Queens Beauty Lounge in Dubai Marina and they sell a package of 6x 30minute sessions for AED 750.
An infrared sauna is a sauna that uses light to create heat. A traditional sauna uses heat to warm the air, which in turn warms your body. A infrared sauna heats your body directly without warming the air around you. Benefits include detoxification, pain relief, weight loss, improved circulation and skin purification. I know this doesn't directly relate to PCOS however I always have a holistic approach to my health and it's part of my "my time" routine.

REST

This by far it the most important - "My time".
PCOS sufferers tend to have slightly higher levels of testosterone so we are prone to storing more belly fat so yes when we bloat it looks like we're about to give birth to twins! We are also susceptible to higher levels of the lovely stress hormone, cortisol creating anxiety and all kind of mood swings.

The best way to reduce cortisol is to meditate, sleep in a dark room, play some soothing music, yoga, remove negativity from you life, stop always checking your phone and yes sex. The health benefits of sex is enormous, that intimacy releases so many positive hormones. Despite it being a taboo subject we are human and need feel good intimacy.

I really hope someone reads this and it helps in some way. I too at times still get down when my PCOS flares up but I don't dwell on it. The biggest advice I can give anyone is enough with the negative talk and be patient with your results they will come! It maybe slower than others but you will get there no doubt.

Yours truly,

PCOS warrior of Dubai

x